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Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman.

Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at rum bars.

Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.

Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem operation and report warden to dem posse.

Only in Jamaica, tief tie up security guard and steal him German Shepherd guard dog.

Only in Jamaica, country people a carry wood and water pon dem head, and have a cell phone pon dem waist.

Only in Jamaica, you can step up and step down in a bus same time.

Only in Jamaica, you can borrow somebody else's side of the road fi drive pon till yours get better. 

Only in Jamaica, S.U.V. caan' pass road test.

Only in Jamaica, you have bicycle-by shootings.

Only in Jamaica, can a tief hold you up and ask you to walk wid more money the next time.

Only in Jamaica, Police go to arrest a tief and don't have a handcuff.

Only in Jamaica, do you see a driver and a passenger in a cab sharing the same seat.

Only in Jamaica, can the forecast look gloomy for the following day and the Prime Minister makes it a national holiday.

Only in Jamaica, can you be taxed for excessive use of oxygen.

Only in Jamaica, does everyone drive a deportee car and the less fortunate a Lada.

Only in Jamaica, can you report a crime in progress and the police tell you to stop interrupting the domino game.

Only in Jamaica, firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water fi put out di fire.

You know you are in Jamaica when even the baddest D.J. becomes a Christian.

You know you are in Jamaica when the last general election was called a bashment.
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How Jamaican Government Contracts are issued!

      
   
 
Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at Jamaica House. One is from Montego Bay, another from Kingston and the third, from Mandeville.

They go with an official from Jamaica House, to examine the fence.

The Mo-Bay contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well,"he says. "De job gwine run yuh 'bout $900: $400 fi material, $400 fi my crew an' $100 profit fi me."

The Mandeville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do dis job fi $700; $300 fi material, $300 fi my crew and $100 profit fi Mass Me."

The Kingston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Jamaica House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, observes: "Yuh didn't even tek measurement like de addah contractah dem! Weh yuh get such a high figgah?"

"Listen nuh Family," the Kingstonian explains, "Look yah! $1,000 fi you, $1,000 fi me an' we hire de breddah from Mandeville".
    
   
 
SIGNS YOU ARE ON A FLIGHT TO JAMAICA...

- You get to the airport before the Air Jamaica counter staff

- The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says "Yuh ongle have one piece......?

- Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a. system starts to say "this is NOT a boarding announcement."

- You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a motor vehicle engine block into the overhead compartment

- At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent and doesn't seem to have a lot to declare in Customs...

- You can only get the Observer to read, no Gleaner roun' here

- People are trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means

- Somebody hands an attendant
a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis ya patty fi mi nuh baby"

- The plane starts to descend, and a woman in the seat behind you says to her friend ... "Come Darris, time fi go tile-it an' tidy!"

- The overhead compartment smells like fish, jerk chicken and rum ... then something from up there starts to drip on you.

- Everybody who have a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave go straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line in Customs
 

Driving In Kingston

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON!!

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. That 'move' should be known only to you and kept secret until 2 nanoseconds before action!! A real Kingston driver never uses signals, as 'dis is survival out yah'... 'ah dawg nyam dawg out yah y'hear?'

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation...Our version of 'The Law of the Jungle'

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit..... In Kingston, a yellow light means DRAW THIRD GEAR, AND ACCELERATE..IF POSSIBLE AT SAME TIME!!  The mindset is generally 'cho..ah butta dis!'   FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN THERE IS AN ACCIDENT, AN INSIGHT INTO A RARE CONFESSION FROM A DRIVER MAY YIELD: 'JAH KNOW SQUADDIE, I MAN SEE DE LIGHT, AND ME SEE THE BLACK HONDA, BUT I MAN NEVVAH SEE DE COW DEM!!'

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left.        


7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and be conveniently changed at a moment's notice to the 'discretion' (for want of a much better word) of the violating officer or his comrades of the 'leff han, right han'.                                                                                                        
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

10. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant BEFORE the light turns green.

11. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary!!